I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Green mimosas i think yes
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
