so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
