trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Randomize
