We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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