I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
