My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
