eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
