My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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