Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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