Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize
