I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
