My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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