Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
there's paper in my vomit.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
