I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
