he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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