K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I wish I only lived at night.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
