I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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