The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize