2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
