So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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