he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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