he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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