who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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