Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
