We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
40s are totally the cure
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
