drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
