So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize