i jhust puked up my retainher.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
