Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
