Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
