Can i not drive my cunt home
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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