I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
only you would photoshop your dick
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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