My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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