nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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