R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
