i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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