My Higher Power is John Stamos
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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