I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
