Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
