You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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