As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
