Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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