Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
