The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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