dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize