someone threw a dead crab at me
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i just sent this text using only my big toe
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
