hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
