I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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