I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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