what day is it and did you see me today?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
