At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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