You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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