I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
