Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
