You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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