On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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