His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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