I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
You need Xanax blowdarts
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
