can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
