I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
