He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
