FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
