Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Randomize
