chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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