youre lurking in front of me
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
