Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
